pain in proximity
Words by Khushi Kapasi // Published November 23rd, 2024
there are five zones of personal space: public, social, personal, intimate, and close intimate.
you may see them as temporary regions of shelter,
but the heartache you cause when you leave
is permanent.
a crowd full of lonely people
not one of them mine.
i say, “let’s be alone together”
they scream from afar
“no thank you, we’re fine."
their shadows merge temporarily,
but their lives never will.
welcome to the public zone
an exchange of fake smiles
a chorus of high-pitched hellos and insincere how are yous
they don’t want a real answer
they don’t want to hear
a dissection of your agony.
the response they instead wish for
is “i’m great, how are you?”
because the whole is a sum of its parts
and what makes a selfish world?
selfish people and their selfish hearts.
this performance is completed by empty promises of
“let’s catch up soon!”
a room full of familiar faces,
yet none know me.
welcome to the social zone
enter if you dare.
what a pleasant surprise!
you’ve purchased a ticket
to visit my museum?
you’re different:
one of few people
who have travelled this far to see my display.
i sincerely hope you’re here to stay.
here we have an extraordinary artifact:
a most masterfully painted vase
filled to its brim
with slimy grimy sludge.
come closer-
can you now see
that this vase is nothing but
an illusion of my reflection?
the artist named the piece:
‘the vessel of pretention’.
i see-
you think that
it is a pathetic excuse for what one considers an artwork.
but isn’t the very beauty of art
its subjectivity?
not this one?
i understand.
the exit’s this way.
watch your step,
it’s crowded.
their ticket has no expiration date
but they leave anyway.
welcome to the personal zone
entry is no longer free.
one ticket
for the price of one self-esteem.
you’ve come closer
must be lonely.
let me cast a spell on you
i promise it won’t last long
and know that in this zone,
neither will you.
bubble bubble,
toil and trouble
how i wish my magic was enchanting enough
to make you stay
when things get rough.
you are leaving the intimate zone,
we hope you come again!
some may have bought a ticket to see my museum
and some may have even been bewitched by my magic.
but although there are plenty of tickets on sale
and i ask every shadow that merges with mine
to buy one,
there are no willing watchers
for this movie.
a theater full of empty seats,
so many tickets to be sold
but no one wants to watch
a performer with a broken heart grow old.
i catch a glimpse of an audience member
and rush to welcome them to the close intimate zone
but instead collide
with a mirror that strangely resembled a decorated vase.
you get closer and leave sooner
with every zone.
but the scars you so intricately carved
will never leave me torn.
i know that one day,
there will be no more tickets left to sell,
and no more seats left to fill:
a full house of broken hearts
that complete each other in a way
where we are no longer broken still.
✺ For Adrenaline, Issue 8
Khushi (she/her) is a senior the University of Southern California.
“My name is Khushi and I was born and brought up in Dubai, UAE! My family moved to Dallas, Texas 2 years ago and to Orange County a few months ago. I have a pet Maltese named Luna at home, and pet rag doll cat that I share with my roommates here at USC. I love literature and have been reading The Trial by Franz Kafka along with a poetry anthology book from 1916 called archy’s life of mehitabel by don marquis. I love discovering new music and sorting them into my playlists; it’s one of the most satisfying activities for me and my love language is also creating playlists for people. I often feel very confused about what I want to do professionally in the future, but most times when I think about it, I would like to own a little bookstore in Europe somewhere!”
Artist Statement: My poetry is about a person's personal zones of space and what they mean to them - how they come together to form a locus of social interactions for us - for me. When I wrote this, I made mindmaps for my feelings for each zone of personal space and how it has affected me. As a highly sensitive person, overthinking lurks behind every social encounter I have - I wanted to classify these social interactions and write about my navigation of them.
